Judah masterminds a plan to sell his annoying younger brother Joseph into slavery. To cover up the crime, all the brothers decide together to dip Joseph’s tunic in the blood of a goat. The special tunic, a gift from their father Jacob. Then, the brothers bring the bloody tunic to Jacob. They say, haker-na, “please identify this.” Jacob falls apart with grief.

Years later, two of Judah’s sons have died while married to Tamar. So, as is customary, Judah tells Tamar she can soon marry his youngest son. But Judah does not intend to follow through. Even though he owes Tamar a place in the family and a chance to have children. Time passes, Judah’s wife dies, but Judah does not let his son marry.

So Tamar masterminds a plan of her own. Disguised as a prostitute, she solicits Judah. As collateral for delayed payment, she takes Judah’s staff, cloak and personal seal. Three months later, her pregnancy shows. Judah confronts Tamar, angry that she has disgraced the family. So. Tamar sends Judah his personal effects. And she attaches a a message. Haker-na, “please identify these.”

When Judah sees them, he says, “She is a better person than I am.”

Maybe Judah has terrible memories of the day he sold his brother Joseph. Not just of what he did, but of cruel words he said, too. And then he hears Tamar reflect those exact words back to him. Suddenly, Judah sees how he is like his father. He, too, knows grief. And he, too, is inept at solving family problems.

As a young man, Judah took advantage of his father’s weaknesses. Suddenly Judah sees what a terrible thing he did. He shrunk the family and magnified its grief. But Tamar wants to grow the family, and heal its splits.

When Judah sees this, he says, “She is a better person than I am.”

Inspired by Midrash Bereisheet Rabbah