Rosh Hashanah is followed by the aseret yemei teshuvah, ten days of repentance and return. Our sages recommend that we take this time to ask family, friends and colleagues to forgive us for any hurt we may have caused. Our sages teach that we must acknowledge the wrong, ask forgiveness, make reparations, and not repeat the behavior. Idealistically, they hope that everyone would engage in this process regularly, so that deep, long-term hurt would be rare.

However, reality falls short, and we all carry pain from experiences in which no one recognized how they hurt us. The Linn family, in their book Don’t Forgive Too Soon, describe a slow but effective process for inner healing.

Stage One: Denial. In this stage, while we know something ugly happened, we don’t admit that it hurt us. We go on with everyday life, putting one foot in front of the other. We may simply be numb. Or we may proudly tell ourselves that the offender doesn’t have the power to hurt us. Or we may appeal to our high ideals, pretending that we are too enlightened to be upset. Acknowledging the hurt helps us move forwards.

Stage Two: Anger. In this stage, we recognize clearly that we are upset, and we rehearse to ourselves over and over again what the other person did to us. Sometimes we tell ourselves that the other person deserves our anger – forgetting that we are the ones who live with the anger, not them. Speaking with a trusted friend or advisor helps us think in new directions.

Stage Three: Bargaining. In this stage, we contemplate the possibility that we could forgive – but only if the person does exactly what we want them to. Bargaining has positive and negative results. On the positive side, we articulate for ourselves what our boundaries are, and we gain self-knowledge that is useful for the future. On the negative side, we may convince ourselves that we will never recover from the hurt if the other person doesn’t change. Noticing what we need from ourselves and from others in order to move on helps us find it.

Stage Four: Depression. In this stage, we begin to give up on waiting for the other to change and we lose hope. We blame ourselves for what happened. We think, if only I had done x…if only I would do y… if only this inner dialogue would shut up! And we may think, if people knew what kind of a mess I am capable of causing, they would all hate me. Nourishing ourselves with sunlight, exercise and prayer can ground us as we move through this inevitable stage of letting go.

Stage Five: Acceptance. In this stage, we accept what happened, we recognize that it was in the past, and we acknowledge that have learned from our experience. Acceptance doesn’t mean that everything in life has healed, but it does free us from the tyranny of the event, and makes it possible for us to move forwards. Putting our learning into practice helps us grow.

—  This post originally appeared in Keren Or, Newsletter of Or Shalom Synagogue, 2009. Image: relationshipplaybook.com.