As a newlywed, I used to say, “The hardest part of marriage is having in-laws.” Life in my own odd family had shaped me. I understood my family’s norms. I recognized the emotions expressed in my relatives’ actions; I knew how to respond to them.

When I married, I was thrust into a new family, with new norms, different subtexts, and unfamiliar histories. In many situations, I had no idea what was going on socially or emotionally. All my initial interpretations were wrong.

Most years, as I read about Joseph and his brothers, I’m quick to judge. “Young Joseph is so arrogant! His older brothers are so violent!” But actually, the family’s nuances are beyond me. This year, I’ve noticed new complexities.

Joseph was seventeen years old. He shepherded his brothers among the sheep. He was Junior Assistant to the sons of Bilhah and the sons of Zilpah, the wives of his father. Joseph brought their bad reports to their father (Gen. 37:2).*

“Junior assistant” seems an age-appropriate role for seventeen-year-old Joseph. But what, exactly, is his job description? Why is he shepherding his brothers instead of the sheep?

And why, in that role, is he assistant to the sons of Bilhah and Zilpah? Why are maidservants Bilhah and Zilpah described here as legal wives? Have their sons specially earned their father Jacob’s trust?

Are the sons of Bilhah and Zilpah assigned to supervise the sons of Leah? Why do Leah’s sons need supervision? Is that revealed in the “bad reports” prepared by Bilhah and Zilpah’s sons, delivered by Joseph son of Rachel?

Torah hints at family dynamics too complex for an outsider to discern. In response, I recognize my own habitual arrogance. More often than not, I know too little to judge others.

For more reflections on Parshat Vayeshev (Genesis 37:1-40:23), click here.

*translation mine