Cast of Characters:
Jonah
God
Ship’s Captain
Whale
King of Nineveh
Ninevite #1
Ninevite #2
Ninevite #3
Ninevite #4
Vine
Worm
Scene I: Jonah at home
(Jonah sits on a chair in front of the TV.)
Jonah: Go, Panthers, go! What a run! Yes!!!
God: Jonah! My prophet! I want you to go to Nineveh and give the people a message for me.
Jonah: Aw, come on, God! I’m watching the game now. Don’t bother me.
God: Jonah, some things are more important than your home team.
Jonah: Come back at half-time, will you God?
God: Jonah, I won’t leave you alone until you listen to me.
Jonah (to the audience): This prophet thing is becoming a major pain in the neck. I’ve got to get out of here.
Scene II: Jonah on the boat at Jaffa
Captain: Ahoy mates! All aboard for Tarshish!
Jonah: Count me in, Captain! I want to get as far from Nineveh as possible.
Captain: Well, come on man, anchors aweigh!
(Jonah gets on board.)
Captain: (sings) Sailing, sailing, over the bounding main…Oh no! Here comes a terrible wind…and rain…and lightning…It’s a big storm! It just appeared out of nowhere! Batten down the hatches! Furl the jib!
Jonah: (to the audience): Rats! God ISN’T leaving me alone! (to the Captain): I’ll have to walk the plank. My God sent that storm because I refused to prophesy and tried to run away.
Captain: Nonsense! Gods don’t care about individual people. Reef the main!
Jonah: Captain, I’m going overboard. (Jonah jumps.)
Captain: (astonished) The storm just disappeared. (falls down on knees, looks to heaven): Shema Yisrael, Adonai Elohaynu, Adonai Echad
Scene III: Jonah and the Whale
Jonah: I’m drowning! God, save me!
Whale: (swimming along) Mmm…that looks like a tasty meal! Gulp! (swallows Jonah)
Jonah: Yuck! Swimming in a slimy stomach was not what I had in mind, God. Please take pity on me! If you let me out, I’ll go to Nineveh right away!
Whale: Suddenly I don’t feel so good…I think I’m going to throw up! Bleech! (spits Jonah out)
Jonah: God, you are truly fabulous. Thanks for getting me out of that mess!
Scene IV: Jonah in Nineveh
Jonah: Here I am in Nineveh. What shall I tell the people, God?
God: Tell them they must begin to practice Teshuvah, Tefillah, and Tzedakah or they will be destroyed in forty days!
Jonah: (begins walking around and shouting): God says you’re all bad and you deserve to die! Say you’re sorry! Pray! Do good deeds! Then maybe God will save you!
King of Nineveh: (walks up to Jonah): I’ve heard about you, Prophet Jonah. What is your message?
Jonah: (annoyed): I just said it! Can’t you hear?
King of Nineveh: (kindly) I did hear, and your message is a good one. Your God must truly be a caring God to give people the chance to become good. (Falls on knees): Shema Yisrael, Adonai Elohaynu, Adonai Echad! (Stands up and shouts) I shall make a new law: Everyone in my kingdom must fast, wear sackcloth, and think about doing good deeds! That includes both people and animals!
Ninevite #1: Ha ha ha! Here I am doing strange experiments on animals because I don’t care about them! (Calls offstage): Honey, I shrunk the sheep! (holds up sheep)
Ninevite #2: (rushes in): Honey, haven’t you heard the king’s new law? No more cruelty to animals. We must all do good deeds. And we all have to wear sackcloth. (Grabs the sheep and looks at it): That goes for you too!
Ninevites #1 and #2: (fall to their knees): Shema Yisrael, Adonai Elohaynu, Adonai Echad.
Ninevite #3: (Grabs something and runs): Ha ha! Another sack! I love to steal sacks so I can have sack races with myself. Boing, boing, boing. (Jumps across the stage pretending to hold a sack).
Ninevite #4: (jumps on and across stage, pretending to wave a stick): Boing, boing, boing! That’s my only sack! I’ll hit you with this stick until you give it back!
King: Just a minute, you two! That’s the kind of behavior that will destroy us. Follow my new law. Stop jumping in your sacks and put them on. Now, pray!
Ninevites #3 and #4: (fall on knees) Shema Yisrael, Adonai Elohaynu, Adonai Echad.
Scene V: Jonah on the hill outside Nineveh
Jonah: (angry) God, I can’t believe you haven’t destroyed Nineveh yet! Those people are so bad!!! (calmer)…Wow it’s hot. I need some shade!
Vine: Jonah, look behind you at me, the vine! I grew up here last night to give you shade.
Jonah: (looks to heaven) Thanks, God. You are truly great. Sorry I was angry.
Worm: Wow, I’m a really hungry worm. This vine looks like a great meal. (eats)
Jonah: (angry) God, how can you be so mean as to destroy this beautiful vine? I’m so angry at you I could die!
God: Jonah, you are so selfish you can’t even think straight. Now you’re angry because you think I DON’T care about the vine. Before you were angry because I DO care about the Ninevites. Nineveh is a city full of people and animals. Do you really think I should forget to care about them?
— Laura Duhan Kaplan, 1998
Image: supercoloring.com
it is a great play